Vivid Dream

Hey! I am down with flu. It sucks because whenever I get sick with influenza, my minimum recovery time is 5 days yet I am here at work on my 4th, feeling light-headed trying to finish my work so I won’t be stumped by the end of the week.

Two nights ago when I could hardly breathe while sleeping, I think I was in trance again. I remember that two years ago, I was half-awake and could feel and literally hear the audio surrounding me while I was nursing my bad hangover after going to the club with Ron and JJ. It was that time when I could feel my muscles being massaged by GABA (one of the hormones which paralyzes your voluntary muscles during REM).

But this time, it was slightly different. Though I did not feel the “massage feeling” but I definitely could control what’s happening in my dreams. Given that there was an architect who designed the setting, I literally would know how the plot would end. It could be because I was half-awake so my pre-frontal cortex provides some logic reasoning but each segment of my dream was so en pointe that I think I was understanding my subconsciousness.

In the next few days or so, I will be writing chapters of what transpired during my trance. I just wish I could remember all the minutest details but I still have a grasp of the overall plot. The last time I had vivid dreams that I could still remember was when I was in primary school – I can still picture the setting, the floral garden, the slithering wooden stairs but at the top, it was total darkness. This time, it was different a setting, from finding a rainbow umbrella, to a haunted fraternity house then towards enclosed community ran by some governor. Weird shit, right?

Hello, I am Back!

It has been a while. Indeed, gradschool and work pressed my time that I lost track how long since I last wrote a decent post. So far, I am better, a lot better! After stopping my post-recovery meds and talked with him, things are much clearer now. Until I need to face another decision.

I have never been good in decision analysis – it could be why I prefer doing classification and regression trees (CART) because it help me decide for me. As it mimics a non-linear pattern of life, the nodes can simply tell you to leave or stay given all circumstances, predictors, feelings and other factors involved that could give you an overview what are the decision paths.

How could I be so weak on this and why am I being so selfish? I remember posting on which path should I take. This still stands until last night; whether I could be wrong or just excited to take a good leap of faith to the other who once left.

Seriously, I am afraid to end things with you. We were never perfect but we have always made it right. You have always been my support, with you being my strongman, you have never left my side, fought what we have and provided the most unconditional love I felt in my entire life. But why am I leaving you?

 

Just because I find a deeper stronger connection with somebody else, should I take a chance with the other? I know that at the back of my mind, if I don’t do this, it will always haunt you that you feel that we are temporary and just waiting for relationship to fail so I can start with the other. I’m sorry making you feel that that way, even it is unintentional, I could never deny it from you as you have always seen me within inside-out.

I admit that we stopped talking about our future somewhere in the middle of last year. Just like the song goes that “maybe sometime’s love just ain’t enough”. But if I stay, I could just be prolonging my selfishness that I could never give my full love, attention and time because the other keeps crossing my mind. I am pretty sure that if we really part ways soon, you’ll never be out of my mind, too which will be unfair to the other. Besides, whenever Cocoa licks my face in the morning or demands for a hug, it will feel like its coming from you because we both decided to get her and cared for her.

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This post feels like I am going in circle. It is not surprising because until now, I still can’t decide. What we agreed upon last night was because of the guilt of hurting you as we go along if we continue and a mixture of another guilt that I will be leaving you soon despite all the things you have done for me.

But not everything is guilt. What makes it hard for me to do this is I have never loved you less. From the moment we shared together 2 years ago of October 31, I never bat an eyelid of hurting you.

Doing the countdown is hard. I will avoid doing so because I will be a crybaby (as I have always been) until that day that we end our story together. I just need a good sign, not reasoning, that what we decided is wrong.

Hell Week AY 2nd Sem 16-17

Dear diary,

No, I am not doing the jump hiatus again. I am just stomped with work and school stuff, and it is nearing finals plus the survey this coming weekend. I will return the week after this weekend.

Mwah!

Reign

Forgetting, For Living

When I was young, I remember that my playmates and classmates used to bully me because of my homosexuality. As time passed, I learned how to ignore emotional attacks through apathy. Through this, I managed to achieve and even surpass my academic goals, gained a wide network of friends, made myself popular that it may have affected how validation makes me drunk for attention drawn from others I barely know.

Mastering apathy isn’t easy, you have to endure hurtful words that even don’t make sense nor logic. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I tend to avoid conflicts because I’m so used to ignoring trivial events that I forget to classify between sensitivity and things that require urgency.

Where does this lead me?

It’s appalling how people still ask about you. Not to mention that I have been hearing that you’re back in the dating game; that’s a good thing! You’re trying to regain the life you’ve lost while you were with me us. Those petty lies I heard the last time we held hands and hugged, they’re trivial, I think and with the current situation, I think I’m right this time).

For now, I really like to overcome this depression. My hormones are starting to bounce back but still far from baseline. Art has helped me to dissipate this enveloping darkness that lingers for no apparent reason. It always grounds me from becoming disassociated from losing self-identity and fires up my creative thinking that I get to pause from calculus and statistics.

Yes, I learned and accepted our fate. As I recover from this upheaval, forgetting you temporarily could be a viable solution. Not visiting your profiles ignites a good start. Besides, you’ll be occupied this weekend not like when you thought of me for a short time during the holy week.

I don’t know how long will this take but I’m always grateful for the guy who stayed.